Jokes

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A young man asked his elderly Grandmother if she had seen his pills--the ones labelled "LSD."

"Never mind your pills," she said, "What do you think about the size of that dragon in the kitchen?"

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at
the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present
something “Christmassy”.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is
allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent
Christmas?”
The third man answered “They’re Carol’s.”

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding
headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the
preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put
some coffee in front of him. “Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last
night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of
yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you
insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

SANTA’S PICK UP LINES
•I know when you`ve been bad or good — so let’s skip the small talk,
sister!
•Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
•Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
•I know when you`ve been bad or good — so let’s skip the small talk,
sister!
•Some of my best toys run on batteries…
•I see you when you’re sleeping - and you don’t wear any underwear, do
you?
•Screw the “nice” list — I’ve got you on my “nice AND naughty” list!
•Wanna join the “Mile High” club?
•That’s not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I’m just glad to see you!

Happily Addicted to the Web
(to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',

From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',

I'm happy--although

My boss let me go--

Happily addicted to the Web.



All night long, I sit clicking,

Unaware time is ticking,

There's beard on my cheek,

Same clothes for a week,

Happily addicted to the Web.



Friends come by; they shake me,

Saying, "Yo, man!

Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"

With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;

I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"



I don't phone, don't send faxes,

Don't go out, don't pay taxes,

Who cares if someday

They drag me away?

I'm happily addicted to the Web!

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

Here:



Welcoming to America
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"